"Do you work here?"

One of the most common questions I get from customers each day is, "Do you work here?" Several possible answers (depending on the situation) include.

“No, I collect name tags from different companies and wear them whenever I shop.”

“No, this is my own personal walkie talkie and earpiece, (listen to earpiece for a moment) **speaking into microphone** Roger that Eagle One – I’ve been approached by a Wombat, repeat Wombat Contact. Over.”

“No, I am putting these books away in the wrong places because I don’t like them or want people to read them.”

“No, I’m just a helpful customer. Have you alphabetized any sections since you’ve been here?”

“No, I have a thing for feather dusters.”

“No, I’m hacking the company website.”

“No, I’m stealing all their customer information from the order processing files. Have you ordered something within the last six months?”

“No, I just found this roll of stickers and decided that these books should be on sale. What do you think should be on sale? I’ll share.”

“No, but don’t you think that this old display was ugly? I couldn’t stand it anymore – as a customer I want to see displays of books I like, so I switched them.”

“No, I’m stealing money from this register.”

“No, I just like climbing the ladders.”

“No, I just like answering phones.”

“No, I always get fourteen copies of any book whenever I buy something, don’t you? I like carrying big stacks, it makes me feel smarter.”

“No, I found this cart of books just standing here, and I thought I’d help these poor booksellers out by shelving a couple. They’re really swamped tonight, aren’t they?”

“No, the plastic tag and lanyard are statements. I’m an art major – this is performance art. I don’t expect you to understand.”

“No, this earpiece is a cybernetic hearing aid. I was in an accident and if I take it off then you can see all the way to my brain. It’s squishy.”

“No, I was playing a trick on that woman you just watched me help.”

“No, I’m OCD and if I don’t reorganize this bookmark spinner before I go home tonight then I won’t sleep for three and a half days because I’ll not be able to stop thinking about it.”

“No I’m an undercover FBI agent, we’re getting ready to pull off a major sting here in a minute, I suggest you leave now if you don’t want to be caught in the crossfire.”

“Aww nuts! What gave me away?”

“Yes, what can I do for you?”

Of course, this last one is the only one I’ve actually said out loud – so far.